Please Make It Stop
by AlexaNDYE
Summary: Tony finds himself drowning in his own nightmares and pain.


Tony awoke with a loud gasp. That's how all his nights ended up at SHIELD HQ. He panted and searched for the air to breathe, but he could only come up with short gasps. He clutched the side of his head as his headache blossomed even further. It was his fifth night in SHIELD HQ, and ever since he's been there, he's had nightmares – Pepper dying, the suit not working, him not being able to save the world, not being able to save innocent people… and not being able to save Pepper.

He wrung his head to the side in anger and frustration; he could still hear Pepper's screams for him in his mind, and it haunted him… it broke him slowly and painfully. He couldn't count how many times he's awoken in a cold sweat.

He hated them. He thought they would stop after he removed the Arc Reactor and the shrapnel, but they never did. They always lingered there, waiting until he found a peaceful place in his mind and then ripping him out of it the moment he was vulnerable. He wanted to scream, cry, and bang his head against the wall, but he always reverted back to calling _her_.

Her voice, the images of her hair cascaded on her shoulders, her wide toothy smile, her gorgeous deep ocean blue eyes, her freckles on her body, and her hands that always calmed him—it was all home to him. Wherever she was, home was.

It was déjà vu for him when he reached for his phone. Everything was routine, and it sickened him. The phone dialed once, twice, and then she picked up.

"Hello?" She mumbled sleepily.

He woke her up… he was bothering her. He screwed his eyes shut and cursed under his breath. He hated it when he had to wake her up. He always felt so guilty, and it was gut-wrenching to hear that he woke her up from her peaceful and gentle slumber. He was bothering her with his problems and troubles, and he wanted it all to stop.

"Hi…" He let out a shaky breath.

"Hi." She greeted, still sleepy, but now starting to wake up. "You okay?"

He screwed his eyes shut again. "They keep coming back."

Her heart nearly broke when she heard him muffle a sob. "Tony…" She muttered, frowning to herself.

"I don't know what to do, Pepper." He felt a tear run down his cheek. "The headaches have gotten worse and I can't get any sleep cause of these goddamn nightmares." He clutched his head with his hand and grounded out an agonizing groan while the tears continued to flow. "God… it hurts to even think."

She frowned and felt sorrow fill her entire being; she was concerned about his well-being, and it hurt to see him like that.

"I know I've asked this… but, could you—"

"Tony, you know I have three big contracts to consult and look over this week." She told him the same thing a dozen times before, and it killed her to say it, because she knew how much he needed her – how much he wanted her to be there for him. The first two times were harmless and purely situational, but as he began to call her every single night after, looking for some form of comfort and closure, she found herself trapped in a tight spot.

Tony closed his eyes and felt his heart drop. He needed to feel her—he needed to touch her. Seeing her only helped a little, but that wasn't enough to make the nightmares go away.

"I'm sorry." She apologized.

"No." He sighed and let the tears drip onto his lap. "I understand."

She frowned; she knew he was saying that to make her feel better, but it didn't, because she knew _him_. She's had to put up with him for over ten years, and they've been in a relationship for nearly two. She could read him like a book.

"Could you…" He paused to catch his breath. "…Could you stay on the line with me until I fall asleep?"

She tried to smile. "Sure. I can do that."

"Thanks, Honey." He muttered lowly. Her heart shattered—he was broken, and being tossed around and used by his own demons. He needed her, and she couldn't help him.

He laid back down and slipped the sheets over his body. He huddled with himself, looking for warmth and reassurance, and put the phone on speaker and placed it on his pillow, right next to his head. He let his pillow soak up the tears on his cheeks and slowly closed his eyes.

He talked to Pepper about his day, what he did, and how much he missed her, and she did the same. This was the normal routine for them for the past five days, and it was only until he fell asleep when she knew it was okay to hang up. She hated it – she wanted to be there for him as much as he wanted it. She wanted to hold him, hug him, and kiss him, whispering soothing words into his ear.

She hated herself.

The next morning wasn't so pleasant. The headache that had lingered in the back of Tony's mind since the first night at SHIELD HQ was still there, and it was growing as each day passed.

It was around noon when a small argument broke out between Natasha, Steve, Bruce and himself. Bruce and Steve continued to argue, and for a while Natasha joined in, but out of the corner of her eye, she saw Tony lean forward and hold the side of his head.

She furrowed her eyebrows at him, and opened her mouth to ask him if he was okay, but she never got the change. Midst the increase in volumes whilst trying to get opinions and points across, Tony broke.

"Please… For the love of…" Tony muttered as Steve and Bruce continued to argue. The headache got worse and worse, and soon, it was too much for him. "SHUT UP!" He yelled, louder than he's ever yelled before.

And everyone stopped and stared at him, shocked and confused. Tony looked between the three of them, and took a moment to catch his breath and regain some sort of calming state, whatever that state may be. Even he didn't know what that state was – he thought of it as a state between frustration and sorrow.

Without another word, Tony left the lab. He couldn't stay there, not while their voices rung in his ear and tortured him.

"What was that all about?" Steve asked curiously, worried that something was bothering Tony.

"Not sure." Bruce shrugged. "I've noticed he's been a little uneasy since he got here, but… I thought he was just deep in his own thoughts."

Natasha looked between Bruce and Steve. "I'll go see if he's okay. As much as I'd like to say this is a normal occurrence, it really isn't."

"I don't think I've ever seen him that angry before." Bruce felt concern and worry wash over him. "_And I_ know angry."

Natasha caught up to Tony in the hallways, and she noticed how low his head hung and how he was still holding the side of his head.

"Hey," she spoke softly. She assumed he had a headache.

"What? I'm not apologizing." He told her, turning slightly to see her.

"I don't expect you to." She retorted. She tilted her head to the side and noticed the pain in his eyes; he looked exhausted. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." He mumbled.

"You're not." Natasha crossed her arms over her chest. "Are you still having nightmares?"

He didn't answer. Other than Bruce, Natasha knew about his nightmares as well. He figured Pepper told her to keep an eye on him, or something of the sorts.

"Tony—"

"They're not as bad as the ones before." He lied. "I'm fine."

"You look like shit." She replied bluntly.

"Thanks."

Natasha narrowed her eyes at him. "Does Pepper know?" Natasha knows their relationship more than anyone, other than Rhodey and Happy. She knows when Pepper needs to calm him down, or at least call him to check up on him, because none of them, not even Rhodey, have the power to do what she does. Pepper is the calming tide that washes over Tony's raging, and sometimes uncontrollable, fury and everyone has seen it happen. No one can deny that Pepper grounds Tony.

He presses his lips together in frustration; he doesn't want to be reminded of the times Pepper has told him she couldn't be with him. No matter how many times he's begged, she's told him she's busy with work, and he doesn't blame her. She's taking over his entire company for god's sake. Why would she have time out of her busy and tiring schedule to come see him because he had some nightmare?

"Why would she…" Tony muttered to himself. Natasha couldn't make out a word of it. "I need to lay down." He told her harshly. "Don't bother knocking on the door." He walked away slowly and shamefully. He hated being seen as vulnerable or hurt.

When he got into his room and shut the door, he collapsed on his bed and let the tears take over. He cried softly as the pounding in his head got worse and worse. He held his head and drew his knees up to his chest. He mumbled, begging for it to stop, but no matter how much he pleaded, they wouldn't. They refused to.

He fell asleep soon after; he wasn't sure what tired him out, the headache or the crying. It only took a couple hours for the nightmares to wake him up, and he awoke with a gasp, just like he did nights before. He cursed loudly and grabbed his head. The nightmares, the headaches, the lack of sleep, and the lack of will to put up with the pain overwhelmed him.

He popped a couple Advil pills and laid back down, hoping they would help his headache, and it did, but only a little. He fell back asleep but it felt like he was asleep for only a few minutes. The nightmares awoke him again, and this time, he wasn't so forgiving.

He heard Pepper's screams and cries for help, but he never reached her, or at least, that's what his nightmares showed him. And along with her were millions of innocent people. He saw towns, buildings, cities, and continents burning because of him, and it killed him. He saw his teammates dying in front of him, begging for him to help, but he never did. He could never reach them.

_You're just another man who thinks he can change the world_, he heard Pepper's voice. _You're not a man. You're a coward. You won't help the world. You'll destroy it._

He screwed his eyes shut and shook his head. "Please…" He begged and whimpered. "…Please stop." He wanted to cry out, shove himself in the corner, and disappear from the world. "…Please make it stop…"

A soft knock at his door pulled him out of his thoughts, but he ignored them. He didn't want to be disturbed, and he didn't want to explain himself. He didn't want to talk to anybody.

The knock came again, and this time, Tony pleaded for whoever was at his door to leave him alone, but the door opened anyways. The light from the hallway flooded into his room and when he looked up, he almost thought he was dreaming.

"Pepper?" He mumbled lowly.

Pepper smiled as she closed the door behind him. She could tell by the tears on his cheeks and the redness in his eyes that he was suffering. It tore her apart to see him like that, because she knew if she came earlier to see him, he wouldn't be in the same state.

She dropped her bag by the door and walked towards him. He sat on the edge of the bed, exhausted and fed up with the nightmares. He looked lost. She stopped between his legs and ran her hands along the sides of his neck, lightly massaging the spots. His eyes closed as he wrapped his arms around her, and hugged her closer to his body.

It was all too surreal for him. He needed her—god, did he want her, but he needed her reassurance and soothing words to calm him down. She ran her hands along the back of his head and threaded her fingers through his hair, petting him and comforting him.

"You okay?" She asked softly.

He shook his head and began to let tears escape from the corner of his eyes. He hated being seen as vulnerable or weak, but he couldn't hold his guard in front of her. Looking at her and feeling her, and holding her in his arms... he couldn't lie to her face.

He dipped his head low, pressed himself against her stomach and mumbled shakily. "No…" He held onto her and continued to shake. "Pepper…" He cried for her, and all Pepper could do was cradle his head in her hands and hug him.

The rest of the night was spent in each other's arms. She listened to him and tried to comfort him as best as she could, and it worked for the most part.

Her warms were wrapped around his shoulders while his arms were wrapped around her middle, hugging her and keeping her as close as possible. After an hour of talking, apologizing, and exchanging sweet words, he fell asleep, curled against her side and hugging her tight. She continued to lay there next to him, running her hands through his hair and quietly shushing him. She lulled him into a deep sleep, and at random moments, she would feel his hold on her tighten.

Natasha came in a couple hours later to check up on him, and found the two lost in each other's arms. Natasha and Pepper exchanged a smile before they both looked down at the man sleeping beside her.

Natasha called Pepper after she had an exchange of words with Tony. She asked Pepper if she knew, and Pepper told her that she did, but after Natasha told her of his current state, her worry grew exponentially. She couldn't ignore it any longer, and decided to put off work until later and see him.

What Pepper saw was horrific – it was the worst she's ever seen.

In the middle of the night, when Pepper could no longer ignore the cries from her bladder, Tony held on to her. When she tried to gently push away, he continued to hold on until the movements woke him up. While he let her go to the bathroom and get something to drink, he stayed awake; he waited until she got back to fall back asleep.

And it was the best sleep he's ever gotten.

When he woke up, the throbbing pounding in his head wasn't gone, but it was a lot easier to handle. Pepper stayed there for a few more nights until she had to eventually go back to work. Tony didn't like it, but there was nothing he could do to stop her from running his company, especially since he handed it to her.

The nightmares continued, but they were more or less forgiving than the previous ones. He found that talking to Pepper before he fell asleep helped, and when he did, he found himself talking to her for at least thirty minutes until he ultimately dozed off.

It wasn't a solution, but it was something, and it was all he needed to get through the days to come.


End file.
